Hello My Friends

I have had such a full few months. Lots of growth and learning happening over here! Most of you know I took on a big challenge this spring, riding my first gravel bike race in Colorado. Gravel riding is kind of a cross between road biking and mountain biking. The physical part of riding 50 km on rough terrain in a new place was the easy part! I have always used sport and movement as a means to learning how to engage with the inner critic that is seated firmly in my being. I KNOW the stories are just stories but they feel so deeply rooted inside me that I am almost sure they must be true.

One way to disprove these narratives is to simply do the thing that the voice would have you believe you cannot do. This sounds easy, or maybe it doesn't, but it is these voices that create a freeze response in me. These voices often win the battle and take me straight down the path of betraying myself. I will find a reason not to show up, or I will sabotage myself or I will sign up for an event and not tell anyone, that way if "I fail" or don't show up, no one will know.

So this year I told allllll my people. My friends, family, yoga classes, strangers in coffee shops. There was nowhere for me to hide and my inner critic was very much aware of this! Crap.

I had 3 main goals:

1. Get to the start line
2. Mind your business
3. Finish

So, what did I learn? Well, like most things that happen in our heads, there wasn't much truth to it. What I did really well in this event was I stayed with myself the whole way. What that means for me is, I didn't go up into the story in my head and let it sweep me away. I literally had to say things to myself like, 'ok, now make your oatmeal,' 'now, put your socks on,' 'check your tires.' The key to my success was to stay in each moment. That was the best and safest place for me to be in the truth. The truth supported me in attaining each of the goals I had set. Every time someone passed me I said to myself 'mind your business!' I just stayed with me, in each moment, as each voice rose in my head, I just stayed right in the moment.

And, something quite amazing happened!

I achieved all 3 of my goals, and I had fun (trust me when I say, I did not expect FUN to make an appearance), and I beat my secret time goal (less important than the other 3 main goals) by 45 mins! This whole endeavour was not easy and to be honest, there was a small portal of time where I was in desolate desert and feeling very alone, that I may have looked for something sharp on the side of the road to ride over. But, I thought, what are you going to do? Go back and tell everyone you didn't finish because you got a nail in your tire? Nope. That was not an option. Keep pedalling and look around you! Look at the beauty of the world and just keep going.

And the most important result of it all is that the story I held in my head was no longer true! For me, that is life changing. Disproving that narrative and accomplishing what I wanted to do has brought me to a new level in my life. Whenever that story arrives I have this experience to reference. That is powerful!

I have a new feeling inside of me that is more whole, more integrated and self-assured. We all have these little shadowy sides of ourselves that are part of us, so we can either continue to hide and repress them or we can let them exist. What I am continuing to learn is that hiding them keeps me dis-integrated and less whole. These parts of myself that I have hidden can actually exist and be welcomed in. That brings me peace and a feeling of wholeness. I also learned that the people in my life love me and want to support me and they cannot do that if I continue to hide. Thank you to all of you who sent me texts and love notes and cheered from afar. Your were all out there with me and I am so grateful that you all SEE me. How beautiful a gift is that?!

So, my question to you is, what are the voices in your head stopping you from living? And, what are you going to do about it?